2014, Bitches

I was trying to figure out if 2013 was a good or bad year, but then I just realized – and this may be the old age talking – that there’s no good or bad. There’s only the ability to survive whatever shit the universe can throw at you.

I had a lot of bad things happen to me this year, hence my increased reliance on alcohol (salud, friends). Some of these bad things have consequences that will stretch to 2014 and beyond.

But when I think of 2013, I don’t just see the bad things. I see the challenges I had to face, the personal breakthroughs I achieved, and the fact that I’m still standing here.

Surely this is something I can be proud of?

I mean, yes, I had a dark episode where I simply didn’t care anymore. You’d think the absence of all emotions would be fun, but it really isn’t.

But I made it out, and I think that’s what matters.

Right?

I’m. Still. Here.

That has to count for something.

This year I discovered my new favorite book (Howl’s Moving Castle); finally saw Firefly; discovered Stars and saw them live; started collecting Funko Pops.

Some people will say these things are unimportant.

Who cares?

I think when people think of depression they think there’s one thing that will get you out. They imagine there’s a momentous event or a beloved person who can bring you back to the light.

That’s really not quite true.

For me it took a long while. It took small things. A funny book, a lovely character, a nice song – I didn’t even realize I was depressed until it was over and I had made it back to the other side.

During the “episode” I really thought that thinking things like I don’t want to hurt myself; I’m just okay with not existing anymore was normal. Only when I made it through did I realize that it wasn’t. Now I think of not waking up and I’m like fuck that, I’m not going away. Not any time soon.

Because despite all the challenges and the shit that 2013 came up with, I like existing. I like being here.

I like reading. I like music. I like watching tv. I like eating. I like feeling things (even if my emotional spectrum remains limited).

I. Like. Being.

So bring it, 2014.

Give it everything you’ve got.

I’m standing right here.

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