In Which I Figure Human-Vampire Relationships Really Never End Well

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Sookie Stackhouse Series (Southern Vampire Mysteries)

Charlaine Harris

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I know, I know.

I think it was after the third book that I said I’d never read another one in this series again. The whole thing with Alcide the werewolf was just too… boring.

Yep. Never figured that a book on the supernatural would bore me, but it did.

I guess my main qualm, as I mentioned in this earlier post, is that the sex scenes are so poorly written that I feel like scrubbing myself raw after reading the words. I am refraining from repeating any of those examples here as my token good deed for the year. You’re super welcome.

Okay then.

But a few days back, I was quite ill and stuffed with work and my brain just didn’t seem ready for heavy-lifting. I thought I’d go read another of the Sookie novels. The first three weren’t bad bad. They were sort of okay stories — sometimes even interesting — if you ignore the sex scenes. They might even pass for fun mystery novels, you know?

So I read book 4. Then 5. Then 6. Until I finished the 13th today.

Let me just get this out of the way: there is nothing remarkable about the series. There are better options out there, I’m sure (if you have suggestions, hit me — not literally).

But you know what? I like Eric.

love Eric.

He’s manipulative, self-centered, and unapologetic. I like that in a person. Of course it’s always better to deal with people who are actually nice, but I’d rather have someone be a douche and acknowledge this douchiness than act all self-righteous and holier-than-thou. If you’re going to be an evil, manipulative asshole, at least own up to it, right?

And I guess he’s just a lot more interesting than all the other vampires in the book (except maybe Pam). I mean, Bill’s so meh. Why be a vampire and a computer geek?

If I were a vampire, I’d be off doing crazy stupid shit all the time. Like trying to ride the up escalator down. Or something. (I’m not going to be a very good vampire, am I?)

So the only reason I kept reading was to see where things between him and Sookie would be headed.

Right off the bat I knew this would be a bad idea. I couldn’t stand the thought of Eric getting all gooey and soft. To Charlaine Harris’ credit, he never did. He was kind of muddled because of Sookie, but he never did become all… Spike.

Spike is the poster boy of everything that is wrong with a vampire-human relationship. So you have him all swagger in his first appearance on Buffy, right? He’s so badass and murderous. Then we see him with that chip in his head. Defanged but still a villain. Okay.

It is only when he fell in love with Buffy and she reciprocated somewhat that all things went to hell. Instead of the crazy Spike of the earlier seasons, we were left with a marshmallow with no dignity and badly bleached hair.

I shipped them when they weren’t hate-fucking. Season 6 — though not entirely awful because it had some of my favorite episodes — is my least favorite of all seven.

Which brings me back to Eric. He never did lose his edge. You know he’s not going to change, so you know the entire thing with Sookie would just blow up and leave desolation in its wake. I was looking forward to that.

Well, well, well. It didn’t.

I would have wanted to see an actual blow up, but what we got is a rather dismal end to the Eric and Sookie relationship. It was just… pfftt.

Wow.

Superb writing. Incredible story-telling. How fucking fascinating.

(Please imagine my sarcastic face when you read the above line. If you don’t know what my sarcastic face looks like, please see Marvin the Paranoid Android. He can stand in for me.)

I realized by the end of the 12th book who Sookie would end up with. Because I’m a smart person. Sookie refused to be turned, obviously, and Eric would not be regaining a soul anytime soon, especially not by quoting Nirvana lyrics at demons in a cave (yay Spike).

But all in all, I was kind of surprised when I finished the 13th book and realized that I didn’t have one fuck to give. I just didn’t care.

I started reading the books again because of Eric, but by the penultimate novel I just kind of lost interest. His relationship with Sookie was never really significant. They’d have all the sex all the time, as Harris kept reminding us, but there was really nothing happening. We weren’t seeing any developments.

I think, as with Spike and Buffy, it was a lot more fun when they weren’t together. All chemistry flew out the window the minute the relationship became actual. Boo.

And I really don’t understand how Harris managed to stretch the story into thirteen books. I don’t know. Maybe by stuffing it with all the showers Sookie took? Describing all her clothes? All those orders at Merlotte’s and the food she and every other character ate?

I realize now that I just sped-read through all of those books and I don’t even give a fuck about any of the characters in the book. Okay, maybe Pam. I like Pam.

I super like Pam. More than Eric, even. And she didn’t even figure in any of those lurid sex scenes.

Go, Pam.

(I realize that this post — like the novels — has absolutely no point. Sorry.)

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