This is usually the time of the year when I start wallowing in self-pity and existential anguish and general post-quarter-life drama.
Well, not this year.
It turns out I sort of had a happy year, despite not planning anything. This blog is testament to the shit storm that was my planning efforts for 2012 (the blog was created November 2011). I was completely out of sorts, and for the first time in years I figured I didn’t want to look ahead anymore. See, this blog is filled with personal bull, random rants, book reviews, and some reviews of products I use to look sort of human.
It’s a very complicated little blog.
I just dumped everything in, so to speak, and decided that I would blog when I wanted to, read books occasionally, talk about things I liked, and that no planning should ever be involved ever again. And that was that.
It’s the same thing with 2012. I was really not looking forward to anything. I had no plans. I had already torched my hopes that I’d go back to teaching history to undergrads because it burned me out bad. I had seriously no plans at all. I just wanted to survive it, basically.
Then things kind of fell into place. I finally started teaching properly, with a schedule that wouldn’t interfere with my full-time job. I liked the subject, I sort of wanted to strangle the students occasionally, but that’s par for the course. I wasn’t even expecting it, and it just fell on my head.
So maybe John Lennon was right. Life’s what happens when you’re busy making other plans.
Most people may think it’s better to have plans. It sort of is. But when you’re a control freak like me who got prescribed meds to combat anxiety (from a real neurologist, too, natch) last January, then letting go is the best thing ever. It’s my chance to finally try and be a little less crazy about where my life is headed.
It’s fitting, I think, that this was the year I spent three straight days watching Spongebob marathons in my unkempt bed. I do what I like now, and no one can tell me I can’t. I like me. I like what I’ve become. Even if that means I’ve become a relaxed, Spongebob-watching, part-time teacher who stares at the ceiling without freaking out over the rest of my life. (WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.)
I’m okay. Not super. Just okay, but for now that’s fine.
I’ll get a doctoral degree eventually. I’ll get my academic papers published. I’ll teach again.
I’m happy, after a long long long time of questioning what I’m doing with my life and whether or not I’m wasting my life away. That’s got to count for something, right?
And to show that I’ve finally managed to come out with my senses relatively intact, this is now officially my life and book blog. My life doesn’t require much whining space anymore, so I suppose this will be devoted to the books I’ll be reading this year. I’ll try to read more than I did last year, because books provide a lovely respite from the regular hustle. I’ll try to watch more movies. I’ll try to have a bit more fun. More Spongebob and Blackadder!
My “beauty” crap will be here, in its new home: Vain Jane Writes.
And that’s it! Maybe this year I’ll finish the Discworld novels! Read Pride and Prejudice for the umpteenth time! Make Howl’s Moving Castle a monthly read! Read all the Chekhov novels and short stories in the world! Rescue more books from bargain bins!
Have a happy 2013, everyone 🙂