Addictions and Negotiations

I sort of have an addictive personality, though not in the official “psychiatrist said so” sense. It’s just a placeholder, for lack of a better word to describe this tiny little facet of my personality.

Basically, I get a little overboard sometimes.

Let’s talk about coffee. I’m not obsessed with coffee. I don’t know the eight hundred and one variants of coffee in the world. I don’t think about it that much. The only problem is that I struggle to not drink it.

I started drinking coffee when I was seven or eight, I think. Not accurate, probably, but I remember starting my coffee habit when I got to first grade. I would drink coffee for breakfast, and no one made a fuss. We all did.

Unfortunately, I ended up getting so addicted to coffee that I would drink a minimum of four cups a day, or as much as six when I’m pissed or tense. The kicker: I’m hyper acidic, which means coffee can actually knock the wind out of me and leave me in crippling pain, sometimes for days.

So I compromised, which was what all those logical experts recommended. Don’t deprive yourself, they said. It only makes things worse. So I tried. I made myself take only one cup a day. SURPRISE: it didn’t work.

Because I’m the type of person who can’t have just ONE. If I have a cup, I’ll be needing another, and another, and another. Same thing happened with Coke (the soda, not the drug). I would stop drinking the bloody thing for months, then one sip would undo me completely and have me right back on the junkie train.

But caffeine really is addictive, so that’s not saying much.

A lot weirder is my addiction to a particular junk food: barbecue flavoured kettle corn. I managed to eat one pack of this thing daily for three consecutive weeks (one time I actually had two packs in a day) before realising that I was completely bonkers for it.

It’s not even that good. I just like finding and eating kettle corn coated in crusted syrup. That’s it.

I’m pondering this problem, actually, because I’m trying to lose weight, and so far all of my efforts at negotiating with myself have failed, because I’m too difficult to work with. I’m just not cut out for tiny cutbacks. I can’t work with tiny portions. This week I tried to bargain with myself. One pack of kettle corn a week, but I ended up eating three. In two days.

[Note: yes, I bargain with myself. And it’s difficult because honestly, it’s like dealing with a child with zero EQ.]

So I’ve decided that the only way to this is to go cold turkey. No junk food, no soda. I can do this. I did it once. Went three months without a sip of coffee and I was fine. The first few weeks were hell; I could barely feel any emotions apart from pissed. Gradually, I got it out of my system, and I thought I’d kicked the coffee habit. One day I just decided to have a cup and ended up bingeing. Now I’m back to two cups a day, and it’s hell trying to keep myself from going back to four.

Anyway, yeah, that’s the point. I’m going to have to go full deprivation mode, which is the only way I can help myself get out of this kettle corn rut.

Let’s do this.

[Note 2: I may have forgotten to mention my vodka thing.]


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